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36 Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes



“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

-Albert Camus



“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

-Albert Einstein



“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”

-Benjamin Franklin



“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

-Casey Stengel



“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”

-Charles de Gaulle



“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

-Charlie Chaplin



“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

-Alan Dundes



“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”

-Christopher Morley



“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”

-Colonel Sanders



“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

-Andy Rooney



“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

-Dalai Lama



“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”

-Bertrand Russell



“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

-Demetri Martin



“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

-Ambrose Bierce



“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”




“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”

-Doug Larson



“I drink to make other people more interesting.”

-Ernest Hemingway



“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”

-Benjamin Franklin



“Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”

-Enid Blyton



“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”

-Fran Lebowitz



“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”

-Cynthia Heimel



“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

-Arthur C. Clarke



“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”

-George Carlin



“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

-George Burns



“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”

-Bertrand Russell



“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

-Billy Sunday



“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald



“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”

-Dick Cavett



“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”

-Ashleigh Brilliant



“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”

-George Bernard Shaw



“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

-Charles Lamb



“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

-Dave Barry



“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”

-Billy Wilder



“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”

-Charlton Heston



“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”

-Benny Hill



“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”

-Ashleigh Brilliant